I'm NOT Josie Grossie Anymore
When I turned 16 I thought my life would change. I don't think I thought this consciously, but subconsciously I thought everything would be different. Girls are brainwashed to believe that at 16 everything you dream of will suddenly be in the palm of your hand. One of the biggest things being a boyfriend. Boys will just automatically wrap themselves around your finger, they will fall in love with you, and you will be inundated with offers for dates on the weekend.
This does not happen. When I turned 16 every time that I went on an outing, every time I went to a party, I would cry on the way home, because none of the boys were attracted to me.
It probably didn't help that my best friends were always attractive and pert and had a great personality. They were the ones the boys wanted, and I was left on the sidelines. It also didn't help when one of my friends from high school agreed with this boy when he said I was ugly. She said, "Let's face it, Erika, you are."
My life has not changed much since high school when it comes to men. I am still attracted to a good number of nice, decent men, but the attraction is never returned.
I have gotten past the being ugly part. I know that I am not ugly. In fact, I am downright cute, and on some occasions can even manage pretty. I am smart, educated, friendly, but it always seems like I'm always "The girl who is friends with the girl whom everybody likes."
Case in point: (Names have been changed to protect me from whomever might read this)
I am attracted to Bob. I like Bob. Bob is a very nice man. Not really my usual type in a number of different areas (he's kind of a country boy...and that should really tell you all you need to know, if you know me).
He knows I am interested. Now sometimes this is an okay thing if the person knows your interested because either 1) You've told him you're interested, or 2) He's caught on from your flirting with him. Someone knowing your interested because someone you called a friend decided to bring you up in a lunch conversation that you're not present at is not a good thing. (Sometimes this can be an okay thing, but rules apply)
Come to find out Bob has a crush on Laverne. Laverne is a very good friend of mine. Laverne is outgoing and vivacious, fun and flirtatious, and very pretty. Every man who meets her falls a little bit in love with her. I understand why Bob has fallen for Laverne. It makes sense. It's par for the course for me.
I just wish sometimes that I could be like Laverne...but I'm not.
Never Been Kissed (the movie) is the story of my life. What happened to Drew Barrymore's character when she was actually in high school, was always my worst fear.
But then she meets Michael Vartan's character and everything is set aright. She has her first "real, this could be it, it actually means something" kiss and she's in love with a man who appreciates her and loves her for who she is, not because he's settling for second best. Not because he couldn't have Laverne.
Some day I WILL catch my fairy tale ending with a man who's not settling and I will be loved and I will be found attractive and it will be good.
posted by erika @ 3:50 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I miss you, 'rika.
I was quite the ugly one in high school. Buck teeth, stringy hair, big glasses, pudgy, zits. Being a Christian didn't necessarily make more any more popular. I was lucky to go to a small school and knew just about every one since kindergarten, so that helped a little bit.
College wasn't much better. I found out through my husband (and I have since made him promise never to say this again, it hurt so bad) that my sisters-in-law describe me as "having funny teeth" (Shawna) and "yellow skin" (Laura).
I still struggle with my looks. I joined Weight Watchers to lose 10 lbs. because I wanted to be thin. Then I got pregnant. I've spent the last six months or so obsessing about how long until I can lose this weight. Sad, isn't it? And I've only gained 20 lbs., compared to friends who gained 40 - 60 pounds in their pregnancies.
It is interesting how we as Christian women think of ourselves. We know we are beautiful in God's eyes (Psalm 139), but what about the Bobs and Jims and Chads and Freds? Why aren't we beautiful in their eyes?
Erika- I am totally with you on this. and Lexa- I love you, but you are married!! really, i understand the pain you used to have, but you did find your man, the one who thinks your beautiful no matter what.
I understand what you feel erika, because i feel a little the same way. i do date guys, but i feel like i am only the one they want to date, not the one they want to marry. I prepare them for their wives. I shape them up, teach them how to hug a girl when she needs it, when to chase her out of the room because she wants you to and when to actually let her go because she doesn't, and then they leave and use all this newfound woman knowledge on the girl who will be their wife.
also, why in the WORLD do so many guys who are married, or engaged, or dating someone hit on me? really? this also doesnt improve my trust in men.
ps- i do NOT date the taken ones!
i hope that joel never meets laverne.
i know how you feel. i was always in the shadow of pretty sisters and friends and girls with more personality. you will find someone and he will love you for everything that is you.
Post a Comment
<< Home